My best friend received an email that was intended for someone who shares her name and apparently has a similar email address. She does not know the sender. This is an actual email.
You are the least accomodating, most recalcitrant non-communicator I have ever encountered. And the crazy thing is, you know it, and undoubtedly take great pride in it. So why am I still sending you these feeble notes? I am not a feeble guy. I have all of the hallmarks of a supremely confident, emotionally mature, intelligent being. But despite that I feel compelled to continue to try to be somehow present in your life regardless of the overt futility of such action. Why? Probably too complicated for me to ever understand. However, I think it is related to an alluring vulnerability that you possess that is the secret code that unlocks my passion.
F******* crazy you say…yes, you are probably right. But what is the harm in being friends with a guy who despite every cue to the contrary, sees the benefit in being your unwavering friend? What is the harm in breaking free from your taciturn state and uttering the occasional greeting or having the occasional lunch with him. I promise you that I am not obsessed or merely enamoured of your beauty (that surely doesn’t hurt though). I just find you fascinating and inexplicable and feel that I would derive real benefit from being your friend and confidante. I feel like you are so no bullsh** and straightforward that I could really gain insight from you. Why? Who the f*** knows. I just get that sense.
Alright. Enough. Tell me to drop dead and I promise I’ll try to blot you out. Better still, tell me that your life is full and sweet and that you have no need for my insistent plea for joining your circle of friendships. Tell me that quite frankly, T***, you are redundant and unnecessary. (Politely of course). I suppose that would work to shut me down. I suppose….
I’m like Obama, still pursuing the dream of bipartisanship because it would make the world a more hopeful place despite the impenetrable cold shoulder that the republicans offer over and over again. I don’t think he can help it, and I suspect, neither can I.
You have at least got to admit that I make your life more interesting,…. no?
Hope you are well, in love, thriving in the pet store business, experiencing peace of mind, and thoroughly engaged in living with rapacious delight.
I will send this same note from both of my e-mails in case you appropriately decided to block my recurring missives to spare me your terse replies.
Can you imagine finding this in your inbox?
To give you an idea of how amazing it is that my friend should receive this I should let you know that she has an alter ego named Beatrice who when bored at work, corresponds with her boss’s alter ego, Cornelia, both in their very best Lemony Snicket style voice.
I was so impressed with his vocabulary that it took me a while to realize that the email is rather stalkerish. I really want my friend to respond, just to let the poor fellow know that his affections did not reach his beloved. I think his response would be highly entertaining.
What say you? Should she respond?